Fear

Fear - according to dictionary.com

–noun

Even as I begin typing this, my insides are telling me to stop.  It’s telling me that no one cares, that others have done this better.  What am I afraid of?  I’ve been thinking about fear a lot lately.  This thinking about fear, and how it affects my life, my relationships, and my business started last April when I had the opportunity to meet Jesh de Rox at one of his Experiential Workshops.  He spoke quite a bit about fear and when you find yourself in uncomfortable positions that you will find yourself in a learning experience.  You grow from facing your fears, so to speak.  So, I’ve tried to do that, but it’s hard.  I find myself constantly avoiding those uncomfortable situations.  If I stay inside with my family, it’s easy.  I’m comfortable with my family.  Putting yourself out there and being completely open and honest in all situations is HARD.  Not only is it hard, but I find myself constantly worrying about how others will look at me.  Why?  Who cares if the people in the grocery store look at me crazy because I enjoy running up and down the aisles with my  kids?  Why should I let others’ views of how I live my life affect the choices I make with the ones I love most?  These thoughts and feelings are always in my head, but I keep trying to push them away.  I want to be comfortable, right?  And, then, I’ve been noticing all these signs lately telling me that I’m wrong.  I can’t possibly be happy living my life this way.  Sarah Rhoads wrote about comfort and fear recently.  Seth Godin talks a great deal about it in his newest book, Linchpin.

And, this morning, while at the gym, I decided to make a choice.  One that is not easy for me to do.  I want to write down all the things that I’m scared of, share them with whoever cares to read them, and it’s going to keep them in my  mind, to help me face them.  Maybe whoever reads this mess will help hold me accountable.  And, let’s face it, life is short.  I need to be living life to the fullest, to be the best person I can possibly be.  I need to be the best dad for my kids.  I need to be the best husband to my loving wife.  I want my life to be a series of meaningful stories and interactions, not only with the ones that I love the most, but with everyone I meet.  I want to help as many people (and animals) as I possibly can, in any way that I can.  I want to greet the world with a smile and open arms.  Our planet needs more people stepping out of their comfort zones to create communities rich with support for one another, but I’m getting off topic.  See, it’s happening again. My insides don’t want me sharing my fears.

• I find myself afraid to have meaningful conversations with strangers.
• I’m afraid of what people might think of me if I speak up more often.  Especially when the topic is something that I’m passionate about.  So I find myself talking about music a lot.
• I’m afraid of failure. I get random moments of genius where I have these brilliant ideas for special projects, meaningful projects, but I’m so afraid of failure that I let the ideas die.  And I don’t write them down because that would mean that I could go back and revisit them again.  I don’t mention them to Jenny because she might push me to actually try and see these projects through to the end.
• I hold back in most public situations because I’m afraid of how people are going to look at me.
• I try and find the good in everyone, in any situation.  I love positive thinking. Who wants to live looking at the negative all the time? But, again, I hide behind Twitter and my Facebook updates.  I’m generally positive over the computer, and I’m almost always positive in my head.  But in real life situations, being positive = being weird.  I let others stifle my positivity.  Or I create that fear inside of me.
• I’m afraid that after I post this blog post people will look at me differently.
• I feel I’ve been holding back during my sessions sometimes because I’m afraid about what my clients will think of me.  My goal is to capture meaningful images of people in everyday life, their connections, their love.  This fear of being my true self is causing my images to suffer. I SAY NO MORE!
• I fear that I’m not doing the best job of raising my kids that I can.  I need to be there for them with no distractions more often.
• I’m afraid of love.  Why? I’ve been with Jenny for 13 years, that’s almost half my life.  She loves me so much.  I see love in my wife’s eyes when she looks at me.  I see love in my son’s smile, I feel it when Ava gives me one of her “Famous Ava Kisses,” and I feel it when Lia snuggles up close to me.  How can I be afraid to give that love back to them 100%?
• There are so many wonderful people in this world, so open to sharing.  Why can’t I be one too?

I’m sure that if I thought about it more that I could go on and on.  I just feel the need to get these fears out there so I can start overcoming them.  It’s all about growth, and if you’re not growing, you’re dying.  The plant in the picture below chose to grow up through the cement.  It could have grown sideways, it could have stopped growing and died, but it chose to push on through the hard times, and live.  I want to live, too.